A lot can happen in ten weeks, and I'd like to share a story with you
about ten weeks of my life from April to June this year.
On April 12th, Ed and I did what married people enjoy doing together. I know this because I was tracking my cycle and intimacy, but what I didn't know was that I would ovulate a little early the next day. Three weeks later I was late and decided to take a pregnancy test. I had been late the two previous months, so I didn't want it to be negative again. I was so, so excited when we saw that I was pregnant! Ed and I could hardly believe that we would have a child come January.
 |
| "Pregnant 2-3" |
I already had a gyno appointment scheduled the Friday after we found out so I called and changed it to an OB. The appointment was at about 4 weeks which is early for a first appointment, but she went ahead and did an ultrasound. Everything looked healthy with a small sac forming but no signs of the baby yet which was normal at 4 weeks. The doctor was very nice and honest about everything. I liked her a lot. Since she didn't see the baby forming yet, she asked me to schedule a follow up appointment in two weeks. It really became real after that first appointment that I was indeed pregnant.
Over the next few weeks I had all of the regular pregnancy symptoms; the fatigue hit me first. I realized that pregnancy brain is a real thing because I began forgetting everything. It was sometimes comical but also frustrating. I felt nauseous a lot, but I only got sick a few times. That wasn't very fun at all. I ate and drank much more often and of course my trips to the bathroom tripled. This whole time Ed was very supportive. He brought me snack when I felt nauseous, he got me the trash can when I got sick and snuggled me when I was being emotional. Thank you for your patients through all of that, babe.
Ed and I were so excited for my follow up ultrasound appointment. It was in the morning so we were both going into work late. We were in such a silly mood all morning, joking around and laughing. At the appointment she took my vitals and told me that all my symptoms were good signs. As she did the ultrasound she explained to me what she was hoping to see, but we didn't see anything more than what we had seen two weeks earlier, an empty sack. Our mood immediately changed to worry and fear. The doctor continued to tell us that I could still be too early to see the baby or it could be that the baby wasn't forming, which would lead to a miscarriage. Even before this I had a fear of it happening, but as soon as she said the M word, my fear escalated. I was already attached to the idea of Ed and I starting our family together.
I held my tears in until we got home. We still had a little hope, but I felt like I knew then what the outcome would be. That was the beginning of the waiting process. We told our family and close friends what was going on and everyone was so supportive of us. The next check point was an ultrasound at the hospital resource center two weeks later. They have much better ultrasound machines that can see much more. Over those two weeks my symptoms slowly went down. I just knew what was coming, and I was already tired of waiting for it.
At my next appointment they still saw the same thing. At that point I knew that there was no baby. That doctor told me that I was measuring four weeks pregnant which was crazy considering I was close to nine weeks at that point. He just told me that no one could predict ovulation. Well, I know I wasn't 3-5 weeks off. I was certain that I knew the day it happened because I was tracking my cycle. Anyways... that appointment was just frustrating because we had no more clarity than before. It did confirm that there was no baby yet though. I still had a shred of hope that I was clinging to, but in my heart I knew what was happening. I didn't feel pregnant anymore.
I scheduled another appointment for another two weeks later at the resource center. That weekend was spent at home with my family for my sister's graduation and my cousin's wedding. It was great to be around family who loved and encouraged us, but it was still hard. People would say that it was going to be alright, but I knew it wasn't. I knew I would be fine, but the end of my first pregnancy was near which made me incredibly sad.
I can't tell this story without saying how present The Lord was through all of it. Even though I had fear, sadness and pain; the Lords love and peace was present. He didn't take away my hurt or pain, but he comforted me and gave me strength to get through it. He had already blessed me with an amazing husband to be by my side through it all as well. I think Ed and I grew in our relationship through this and we learned to lean on God more. This is something that could have come between us, but I thank God that it didn't. I learned to open up to Ed more about what I was thinking and feeling. Ed learned to just stop and listen to me as I stumbled through my emotions.
I'll try not to give too much information in this next part but this is a record for myself as well.
Seven days after the ultrasound at the resource center I started spotting a little. As soon as I saw it a part of me was relieved. The wait would soon be over. I called the nurse to let her know and she gave me a bench mark of when I needed to go to the ER. There can be complications with miscarriages and it's safer to be close to medical help. The flow picked up over the next day and the cramps started early Sunday morning, which was Father's Day. They were worse than my regular period cramps and more like small contractions. The increased in pain and frequency throughout the day. Ed and I were set to be at church for worship practice that afternoon, so we grabbed lunch at Potbelly and ate at the church. It was only Morgan and I scheduled to play that evening, but thankfully Anna agreed to join us last minute. I wasn't sure if I'd need to leave and I couldn't leave Morgan all by herself. (Thank you, girls!)
Practice started ok and I could sing through most of the cramps. I kept having to go to the bathroom though, which I felt bad about. You know, I don't like being disruptive. I had Ed go get me something to help the pain and when he got back it was even worse. I was mid song and a cramp hit my like a sucker punch to the stomach. I couldn't take it anymore. I started crying because of the pain, but I continued crying because this was goodbye. I wanted the wait to be over but I didn't want to lose my peanut and being a mother.
Everything passed not long after that and the pain subsided greatly. We stayed at church because I was feeling better and didn't want to be alone at home. After church our lovely friends, Mike & Leigh, had us over for dinner and drinks. I did enjoy a nice glass of Sangria! Leigh was so supportive through the whole process because she had had a similar experience. I really appreciated her being there to walk through it with me. She was my nurse on call that day.
Ok, I know this has been a long post but I didn't want to leave too much out.
The nurse told me the next day that she couldn't confirm my miscarriage which was frustrating, but I knew what had happened. I went to my ultrasound the following Friday and they confirmed everything. The really good news was that it all came out clean and I didn't need any sort of procedure. I was healthy.
The nurse told me the next day that she couldn't confirm my miscarriage which was frustrating, but I knew what had happened. I went to my ultrasound the following Friday and they confirmed everything. The really good news was that it all came out clean and I didn't need any sort of procedure. I was healthy.
By that point, Ed and I had processed the whole situation and weren't really grieving anymore. We had made it through with the Lords hand holding us together in love. Our family and friends supported and encouraged us through the whole thing. We are so grateful for each and every one of you. We now have another event in our lives that helps shape us into who God has made us to be. It's another brush stroke in the painting of our story on Earth and each part adds to the beauty at the end. I choose not to be embarrassed or ashamed by this situation that I had no control over. I find rest and joy in my Father.
Thanks for reading.
No comments:
Post a Comment