10 Weeks.

A lot can happen in ten weeks, and I'd like to share a story with you 

about ten weeks of my life from April to June this year.

On April 12th, Ed and I did what married people enjoy doing together. I know this because I was tracking my cycle and intimacy, but what I didn't know was that I would ovulate a little early the next day. Three weeks later I was late and decided to take a pregnancy test. I had been late the two previous months, so I didn't want it to be negative again. I was so, so excited when we saw that I was pregnant! Ed and I could hardly believe that we would have a child come January. 

"Pregnant 2-3"

It was a Saturday evening when we found out and we decided to slowly tell our family and closest friends. The Sunday following was extremely difficult to keep my mouth shut about it to my friends. I couldn't stop thinking about the miracle taking place inside of me. Pregnancy has always been a little freaky to me if I thought about it too much, so it was strange for it to now be my reality. Over the next few weeks we spread the news. Ed's mom cried and mine squealed. My best friend, Jessica attacked me with surprise and others knew what news was coming. We tried to capture all of the reactions and Ed put them into a cute announcement video. Feel free to watch it here if you missed it. http://youtu.be/7HjCx7a5FC0 

I already had a gyno appointment scheduled the Friday after we found out so I called and changed it to an OB. The appointment was at about 4 weeks which is early for a first appointment, but she went ahead and did an ultrasound. Everything looked healthy with a small sac forming but no signs of the baby yet which was normal at 4 weeks. The doctor was very nice and honest about everything. I liked her a lot. Since she didn't see the baby forming yet, she asked me to schedule a follow up appointment in two weeks. It really became real after that first appointment that I was indeed pregnant. 

Over the next few weeks I had all of the regular pregnancy symptoms; the fatigue hit me first. I realized that pregnancy brain is a real thing because I began forgetting everything. It was sometimes comical but also frustrating. I felt nauseous a lot, but I only got sick a few times. That wasn't very fun at all. I ate and drank much more often and of course my trips to the bathroom tripled. This whole time Ed was very supportive. He brought me snack when I felt nauseous, he got me the trash can when I got sick and snuggled me when I was being emotional. Thank you for your patients through all of that, babe. 

Ed and I were so excited for my follow up ultrasound appointment. It was in the morning so we were both going into work late. We were in such a silly mood all morning, joking around and laughing. At the appointment she took my vitals and told me that all my symptoms were good signs. As she did the ultrasound she explained to me what she was hoping to see, but we didn't see anything more than what we had seen two weeks earlier, an empty sack. Our mood immediately changed to worry and fear. The doctor continued to tell us that I could still be too early to see the baby or it could be that the baby wasn't forming, which would lead to a miscarriage. Even before this I had a fear of it happening, but as soon as she said the M word, my fear escalated. I was already attached to the idea of Ed and I starting our family together. 

I held my tears in until we got home. We still had a little hope, but I felt like I knew then what the outcome would be. That was the beginning of the waiting process. We told our family and close friends what was going on and everyone was so supportive of us. The next check point was an ultrasound at the hospital resource center two weeks later. They have much better ultrasound machines that can see much more. Over those two weeks my symptoms slowly went down. I just knew what was coming, and I was already tired of waiting for it.  

At my next appointment they still saw the same thing. At that point I knew that there was no baby. That doctor told me that I was measuring four weeks pregnant which was crazy considering I was close to nine weeks at that point. He just told me that no one could predict ovulation. Well, I know I wasn't 3-5 weeks off. I was certain that I knew the day it happened because I was tracking my cycle. Anyways... that appointment was just frustrating because we had no more clarity than before. It did confirm that there was no baby yet though. I still had a shred of hope that I was clinging to, but in my heart I knew what was happening. I didn't feel pregnant anymore. 

I scheduled another appointment for another two weeks later at the resource center. That weekend was spent at home with my family for my sister's graduation and my cousin's wedding. It was great to be around family who loved and encouraged us, but it was still hard. People would say that it was going to be alright, but I knew it wasn't. I knew I would be fine, but the end of my first pregnancy was near which made me incredibly sad. 

I can't tell this story without saying how present The Lord was through all of it. Even though I had fear, sadness and pain; the Lords love and peace was present. He didn't take away my hurt or pain, but he comforted me and gave me strength to get through it. He had already blessed me with an amazing husband to be by my side through it all as well. I think Ed and I grew in our relationship through this and we learned to lean on God more. This is something that could have come between us, but I thank God that it didn't. I learned to open up to Ed more about what I was thinking and feeling. Ed learned to just stop and listen to me as I stumbled through my emotions. 

I'll try not to give too much information in this next part but this is a record for myself as well. 

Seven days after the ultrasound at the resource center I started spotting a little. As soon as I saw it a part of me was relieved. The wait would soon be over. I called the nurse to let her know and she gave me a bench mark of when I needed to go to the ER. There can be complications with miscarriages and it's safer to be close to medical help. The flow picked up over the next day and the cramps started early Sunday morning, which was Father's Day. They were worse than my regular period cramps and more like small contractions. The increased in pain and frequency throughout the day. Ed and I were set to be at church for worship practice that afternoon, so we grabbed lunch at Potbelly and ate at the church. It was only Morgan and I scheduled to play that evening, but thankfully Anna agreed to join us last minute. I wasn't sure if I'd need to leave and I couldn't leave Morgan all by herself. (Thank you, girls!) 

Practice started ok and I could sing through most of the cramps. I kept having to go to the bathroom though, which I felt bad about. You know, I don't like being disruptive. I had Ed go get me something to help the pain and when he got back it was even worse. I was mid song and a cramp hit my like a sucker punch to the stomach. I couldn't take it anymore. I started crying because of the pain, but I continued crying because this was goodbye. I wanted the wait to be over but I didn't want to lose my peanut and being a mother. 

Everything passed not long after that and the pain subsided greatly. We stayed at church because I was feeling better and didn't want to be alone at home. After church our lovely friends, Mike & Leigh, had us over for dinner and drinks. I did enjoy a nice glass of Sangria! Leigh was so supportive through the whole process because she had had a similar experience. I really appreciated her being there to walk through it with me. She was my nurse on call that day. 

Ok, I know this has been a long post but I didn't want to leave too much out. 

The nurse told me the next day that she couldn't confirm my miscarriage which was frustrating, but I knew what had happened. I went to my ultrasound the following Friday and they confirmed everything. The really good news was that it all came out clean and I didn't need any sort of procedure. I was healthy. 

By that point, Ed and I had processed the whole situation and weren't really grieving anymore. We had made it through with the Lords hand holding us together in love. Our family and friends supported and encouraged us through the whole thing. We are so grateful for each and every one of you. We now have another event in our lives that helps shape us into who God has made us to be. It's another brush stroke in the painting of our story on Earth and each part adds to the beauty at the end. I choose not to be embarrassed or ashamed by this situation that I had no control over. I find rest and joy in my Father. 

Thanks for reading. 

Our World's View of Women

I would like to start this off by saying I do not consider myself a feminist, but women deserve a little bit of respect, from others and for themselves.

I was just looking through a Victoria's Secret catalog and this was the swimsuit edition so even more skin. I was just disgusted at what I saw. The message that these women are sending is one of seduction and promiscuousness. The bottom line being sin. They definitely don't leave much to the imagination that is for sure! And these images are all over the place in magazines, tv commercials, movies, billboards and more. We are allowing men to see us as something far less than what we are worth. I want a guy who sees me as a woman of God who is living her life to serve others and someone who could possibly be a loving life partner, and not just someone to satisfy his sexual cravings. A lot of times we blame the men, i'm not saying they aren't at fault, but the women of our culture are not helping our image of beauty and purity. I believe that women should have a sense of mystery about them. Not "Hey here i am all out here, come get me". Ladies, don't you want to keep yourself sacred and unblemished for that one man you well be with forever? I know I do. This subject just really bothers me because we (majority of women) aren't teaching young girls and teens how to view themselves in a different light. They see all of this sex on tv and just assume that is how life is supposed to be. They follow by example. This means that the problem will just keep getting worse. Are you setting a good example for girls and women around you? It is my passion to live my life to please my heavenly Father and in turn show others that there is a better way than that of the world. We don't have to be a sex simple in this modern culture.

Sadly, we can't choose the world in which we live in. I pray that I do my part to effect other women around me and I hope that you do to.

Men, there are so many things that I would like all of you to hear, but I'll keep it short. Try to turn your eyes away from the worldly view of women and see them as God's creation. Encourage the women around you to be modest. God created us to be your helpmate, not to satisfy your every need. Only God can ultimately satisfy each and every one of us.

It just makes me sad how women feel so insecure or unloved that they feel the need to flaunt their bodies to get attention. And I don't think that this is new to our culture today, it has been around for a very long time. I think it is just more public now.

Sometimes I just wish that people would stop being stupid and just live the way that God intended us to. I wish we were all less selfish and more loving toward others. I wish humans weren't so corrupt.... I'm glad I have Jesus... I wish everyone knew Him.

So I just needed to shake out into words the thoughts that were running through my mind.

I'm sitting here in my studio listening to Etta James and wishing that I was out dancing at a dark little club with a suave Mr. Smith. Sometimes I wish I could experience different time periods. This weekend I will be transforming into Elizabeth Bennet for Halloween and I'm very excited about it. I would try to do an English accent all night long and maybe the kids will think i'm British as I paint their faces. ha.

Today was the first really cold feeling day and I kind of let it get me down. I don't like that feeling of my lungs being filled with freezing air and my fingers hurting and turning numb. I know I am in for a cold winter and I souldn't really let it get me down, but I just wasn't ready for it today. It has been so nice and pretty warm for the past weeks and today just took me by surprise. It was also dark when i was on my way home from school which is so not cool. The sun is like a life source and when it leaves before my evening before it has even started it makes me tired and kind of sad. At least I have Christmas to look forward to. I am excited for Thanksgiving too. I love going home and seeing the whole family and then putting up Christmas decorations the next day. It is just a fun time full of traditions old and new.

The roomies are gone for the weekend so I have to figure out what I am going to do without them....

Resting in the fact that God my father is in control and has perfect timing.

Since I am pretty sure that no one reads this blog, I am not going to update on the Dylan relationship. All you need to know is he ended it and I'm still getting over it. He said we were going to be friends, and then I don't hear from him. I am still hurting somewhat, but I know that God is helping me through it. I don't know how long it will take, but probably longer than I want. I saw him walking on the street the other day and it felt like someone punched me in the chest. When will it stop hurting? Will it ever? I sure hope so. I really just want to move on, but I will never fully understand what happened. I did forgive him though, but it's still a process of moving on.

Alright enough about the past....

Present news. I went back to school and made some new friends at church & school. Small group started tonight with a group of great people from church. We are going through a book called The Praying Life, which I'm excited for. I hope to strengthen my prayer life and relationship with my Father.

I feel like there is a ton on my mind and I either don't want to write it down or i don't know how.

This isn't really a blog that anyone would read unless you knew me. It is more of a journal for me to do some verbal throw up on.

I'm in a cranky mood... going to bed now.

Lord, help me to be at peace.

A Great Date

Sometimes I have so much on my mind and then when I go to write it down something happens and I can't put it all into words that sound good together. Our minds are so complex it amazes me. Think about all the things you think about in just one minute. All the faces of people you know that flash in your memory in that minute and the places you've been. Our minds are so quick it's crazy! Sometimes it's hard to think complete thoughts because all these other things keep jumping into my mind. God made us so incredibly intricate it blows my own mind. I'm glad he did though.

Ok... after that little ramble. I had a really great date with Dylan this weekend. We've been together for over 2 months and it's going really well. So I met him at work and then we took the bus down to Navy Pier, where I haven't been in a long time, and put our name in at Bubba Gump, where I have never been. Then we walked around and got some Garrett popcorn which was also a first for me. It was delicious. No wonder so many people love it. So we had a delicious meal at Bubba Gump then when that was over we went head to head in an intense game of putt-putt golf. We were neck and neck most of the game. There was this family behind us that had some cute kids that liked to talk to us. The little girls name was Pink, she was six and her brother was eleven. They cheered us on, "Girls rule, boys drool!". While we were playing Dylan documented it on his new iPhone which was pretty cool. So it got down to hole 18, which was difficult, and Dylan beat me be one putt. It's alright though, we both did a good job and each had 2 whole-in-ones, or "home runs" according to Pink. So after that we got in line at the ferris wheel, and when we finally got up there it was just in time for the fireworks to go off. It was perfect timing and a good show. Plus we got to see Chicago at night from the top. I love this city. After our one time around on the Ferris Wheel we headed home on the bus and watched some Steve Brule on the way. ha. We just have a lot of fun being together. Dylan is a really great guy and i'm excited for what God has in store for us. On Sunday I went to Dylan's church in the morning and listened to his band play. They did a really good job and Dylan is really talented when it comes to music. After church we hung out with his friends over a yummy lunch.

So if you can't tell... I really like this boy.

That's all for now folks.

I'm putting together a list of famous chairs that I want to own someday... Most likely not going to happen, but a girl can dream right? :)

Ok... so this is a lot I know. It kind of kept growing as I went along. ha.

I admire these designer's amazing creations for a lot of different reasons. Either they were very different and modern for their time, or the used a material in a new way that had never been done before. Plus they are just beautiful and timeless designs.

I'm sure there are many more that I could add to this list, but these are some of my favs for sure.

Enjoy!

I've missed blogging

So it has been a while since I've written about my life and i have missed it. I enjoy getting things out in words and writing down my thoughts and memories. A lot has happened since my last post. I started dating an amazing guy named Dylan. We met at the switchfoot concert back in February. The one that I got a random free ticket for from someone i didn't even know. I didn't see him for about a month (although I ran into him the day before my birthday when i got my hair cut) when we went to another concert, Copeland this time. He introduced me to them and it was amazing! That following Thursday we went on our first date. We went on a long walk down by the lake and just relaxed and talked about anything and everything. It was so easy to be around him. Then we got Thai food which was delicious! So we kept dating and became official on April 10. :) He is such a gentleman.

So that is one big thing. I also started an internship at Valcucine Chicago. We sell sustainable Italian kitchen cabinetry and furniture. I've been there for about 2 months now and it's going really well. It is hard to remember everything about our products sometimes, but i'm learning and making connections with professionals in my field. I like the people I work with too.

I also fart a lot.

GLEE is back!

LOST is almost over forever...

It's getting warm in the city and I even got a sunburn!

The census called us like 5 times to ask us the same questions on the paper!!

I'm going to Florida in 13 days!

Ok... That's all for now folks!